Rosco Cornelius Jones IV, a.k.a. Santa Claus, was arraigned Thursday in a Las Vegas court. Jones was found drunk and passed out in Blitzen's stall early Sunday morning. Upon further investigation animal hair was found around the crotch and mouth of Jones. After DNA testing it was determined that the hair belonged to not only Blitzen, but Donner, Comet and most likely a male moose that has not been found on the property. Jones' attorney denied comment while leaving the courthouse, however Jones decided it would be appropriate to strangle and rape the seeing eye dog of an innocent by standard. As police officers wrestled Jones to the ground he shouted,"It's a conspiracy against the Jews and Blitzens in on it, Rudolph's nose is a satellite and Mrs. Claus slept with my brother!"
It is certainly clear that the pressure of delivering presents to anxious children around the world has finally broken the mind of our beloved Santa Claus. While it is unclear who will be making the rounds to stuff the stockings and eat the milk and cookies, one thing is certain, Santa will spending this Christmas trading cigarettes for man nog giving white mustache rides.