Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Santa arrested on bestiality charges

Rosco Cornelius Jones IV, a.k.a. Santa Claus, was arraigned Thursday in a Las Vegas court. Jones was found drunk and passed out in Blitzen's stall early Sunday morning. Upon further investigation animal hair was found around the crotch and mouth of Jones. After DNA testing it was determined that the hair belonged to not only Blitzen, but Donner, Comet and most likely a male moose that has not been found on the property. Jones' attorney denied comment while leaving the courthouse, however Jones decided it would be appropriate to strangle and rape the seeing eye dog of an innocent by standard. As police officers wrestled Jones to the ground he shouted,"It's a conspiracy against the Jews and Blitzens in on it, Rudolph's nose is a satellite and Mrs. Claus slept with my brother!"
It is certainly clear that the pressure of delivering presents to anxious children around the world has finally broken the mind of our beloved Santa Claus. While it is unclear who will be making the rounds to stuff the stockings and eat the milk and cookies, one thing is certain, Santa will spending this Christmas trading cigarettes for man nog giving white mustache rides.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Student hunter does his part

Junior Theology Major Rodney "The Croucher" Digby,19, demonstrates his terrorist calling abilities early Wednesday morning. "It's like this, if nobody else is going to keep us safe here on campus then its my right as a Texan to make sure this campus is free of chinks and rag heads," proclaims Digby. Digby sets up his post each morning before his 9 a.m. Concepts of Intolerance 351 class. It was noted that near the butt of Digby's rifle was a pile of frisbees and hacky sacks. When asked about said pile, Digby grumbled "damn hippies are just as bad as the terrorists." It has been assumed that protesters of Digby and his efforts are either enticing him to a rousing game of ultimate frisbee or hurling them at his genitals.
This heightened sense of security is in response to the influx of non-American students to the A&M University system in search of an education. This proverbial flocking has weighed heavily on the heart and mind of this young student. So Digby decided to do something about the problem and is now a proud member of the Coalition of Christ Knowledgeable Students or COCKS, where there motto is simple, Do it for God and do it without reason. COCKS is an organization committed to the cleansing of the student body of any impurities.
When asked if he attends class while camouflaged he replies,"what the hell kind of question is that? Of course I wear my camo, if I don't show my support for Cabelas and Wal-Mart...well I'm afraid the terrorists have won."
I think we can all sleep a little safer knowing that people like Digby and organizations like the COCKS are out there everyday making doubly sure that if those bastards from Iraqisatan, or whatever the hell its called, ever decide that terrorising our med schools and engineering departments is worth more than there lives, well than their gonna have to tangle with these roughnecks.

Students around campus generally dismiss Digby and other COCKS members, based on the fact that no person, with such an intolerant outlook on immigrants or an acute dismissal of rational thought could ever be elected or appointed to any position of power.

Photo taken Wednesday at 6:45 am
on the "Quad" of Texas A&M. Digby
crouches near the "Millennium Tree",
a sight frequented by chinks and
rag heads otherwise known as
Physics majors.

Monday, November 12, 2007

There once was a man from Nantucket, his blog was so long you'all can suck it

I don't dream of convincing people to believe in what I believe in. I've come to realize that the more people who are mind numbingly idiotic, with small borgish brains (yes I made up the word borgish, but I think it works) are the same people that make it possible for me to succeed. Let me explain. Yin needed Yang, Batman needed The Joker, and Magic Johnson needed AIDS... all I'm trying to say is that for me to cleverly navigate the close minded, ass-fucking rednecks on a daily basis, I need these people to make fools of themselves with no knowledge of such goings-ons. Muslims are the least of our worries these days. Southern Baptists and Protistant retards have a much firmer grip of the preverbial gonads of this country. So rise up all you liberal minded, progressively thinking Americans and support the ignorance and intolerance, because without that, well the terrorists have won (or is it AIDS... i'm not quite sure).

Friday, November 9, 2007

If your not a billionare George Bush hates you!!!

Patton Oswald, a terrifically funny comedian, explained that people gay for George Bush that make $1.40 an hour support a dude that does very little for them or their children. This sparked a bunch of random thoughts. These people clean vomit up with a rusty mop get ass fucked by Bush only an almost hourly basis because he has absolutely no concept of what it means to be poor. Conservatism does a great job of masking you insecurities. If you pray outside Planned Parenthood, have 45 "Support our Troops" magnetic ribbons on the back of your 3 mile to the gallon Suburban and enjoy gay bashing and say that civil unions will destroy the sanctity of marriage, well sir or maam, theres a better than average chance you have downloaded gay porn, been divorced at least twice, have no children in the military and are only truly happy when your judging people that could care less about what you think of them.

So take that you silly, silly people. Transmission complete.